It is eerie and dark with the passing of my mom and condition of my dad, striking out on my own.  I don't have much bearing with living independently now.  The shadows of the past still loom over me, with less promise for the future, in ways, and a creepy present.

Times are dark.  My mom is gone and dad soon will be.  My younger brother and I are left, may be separated and never see each other again.

"Life as We Knew It"

I was just thinking my younger brother and I alone in the house, how life was growing up, now Mom is gone and Dad is dying in the hospital.  What did it all mean?

What about the older days when the world and America was young, before the Generation X depression?  What becomes of days gone by, like the 1800s and 1900s in America?

What I had going for me doesn't go anymore.  I'm 34.

I got sad when I saw something from over a year ago that reminded me of a cute sounding music and computer science major boy I met online.  It reminded me of my nostalgia with music, too.  It was an earlier day, too.  Some things in general were more alive and real.  I had a chance then, if only I could have been swayed the right way.  Instead, hard times.  Things are bleak now.  How sweet and innocent the past once was!

I'm feeling a strange sense of insecurity as I clean and wonder what for as my mom died from cancer in 2018 and my dad is dying now.

My life!

"Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust"

One sad day, my dad tired in his room, was taken to the hospital via an ambulance.  Orlando, there for the sun to shine brightly on you.

Another Visit With My Dad

How listless and nostalgic.  I talked to him, asked him yes/no questions, read him my blog, let him hear me sing and play violin...  I think tomorrow his youngest sister comes and then the other one the next day or so.  It was funny at the end of our visit he was messing around pressing letters on his iPad.  He doesn't text, anymore.  I'm just worried we'll be separated and I can't see him.  My younger brother visits, too.  His mom sent him a letter with his first sister.  It's fun to go visit but knowing it is very sad for him.  He has a tube in a hole in his throat.  He said the chords connected to him don't hurt nor tickle.  When I had chords in me for a brain scan and had acupuncture tried on me, it hurt and it was hard to stand, especially the acupuncture I couldn't stand it.  My mom's life ended like this, too, but she became still after just a little while in the ICU and I think at Hospice, where she died after several days or maybe almost a week.  My dad said he has a year to live but maybe other problems.  They give him different treatments now, too.  I left after maybe 1 1/2 hours this time, was tired.  I won't have the car for now, so his former nurse may give me a ride.  I guess I'll just relax for now, trying to get in shape so I can make money acting/modeling to support myself and because it was a secondary dream and can't support myself playing music, as my dream, at least not now.  I don't know if I should turn in or if there's still hope.  I'm tired now, trouble sleeping well.

Parents

It's sad to see my dad die in rehab, maybe soon Hospice.  I appreciate him and special things for him even more.  He didn't expect to get this illness.  People nudge me like I matter but don't really care for me.  Nothing replaces my parents.

My mom already died from 3 kinds of cancer December 2018.  It's been hard on us.  Instead of pity, there is blame.  My dad started to go right after her.